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Which side of the fence will you be on when the apocalypse happens? Thats what I thought.

photo credit: dengski

I must repent: for about five minutes last night I was talking about Brett Favre coming to the Vikings.

But this is pretty hilarious: Brett sent out this text message to Ed Werder:

“My intentions have been to play, and with Green Bay,” Favre told Werder. “They say no, so I still want to play in this division for obvious reasons, which I made clear to management. If they won’t let me play in Green Bay, let me play against you. That’s where I am.

Sounds like another sport people like …

photo credit: static

Everyone who knows history knows that America needed help to gain its independence. If you don’t, here’s a refresher.

1. British kill Heath Ledger before Heath Ledger kills Heath Ledger.

2. Americans, fucking pissed about Ledger’s death and slightly upset over some backalley shit King george was upto, dressed up in frightening purple and gold pajamas and started kicking some redcoat ass.*

3. Americans, though clearly intellectually superior, more courageous, less prissy and better dressed, were still outmanned. Mel gibson calls French by borrowing courier of French soldier he inexpicably hangs out with.

4. French, who by this point want to roast British on a skewer, mull over their options like the indecisive Europeans they are.

5. Tom Wilkinson figures that because he has a kick ass voice and a sweet moniker like Cornwallis, can just sit back and wait for Mel gibson to inevitably implode.

6. Though they’ve managed to battle to the brink, Americans cannot get over the final hump. Reluctantly, they decide to capitalize on the eventual, better-late-than-never arrival of Francy Pants.

SET: America.

As we take up the quest for our Independence, it is important not that we sacrifice our ideals, our spirituality or our insatiable desire to listen to Paula Cole, Prince and Van Halen mashed up in an awesome display of raw face-melting power. Rather, it is important to accept the fact that revolutions are bloody, and on some occasions, the ends justify the means.

I know what you’re thinking. Brett France Favre…WE. DON’T. NEED YA! And maybe we don’t. Maybe the wafting stench of the Louisianan (French state) will taint the sweet scent of championship and the corresponding Lombardi I’m gonna be packing in my pants. (I’m already aroused. See: Jared Allen pic below.)

But it is important to concede that while I love my country, we might not be here today were it not for the help of an experienced hand — even one that refuses to work a 40-hour week.

I was pondering the things I love about A) America and B) Brad Childress, when I came across this nugget in US News and World Report:

On the battlefield, France was an inconsistent ally. Their first forays into combat in Rhode Island and Georgia were decidedly unimpressive. But by the Battle of Yorktown [see: Gibson], the allies were far better aligned. French ships and French and American soldiers combined to win a decisive contest that ended the war. “The French were at first reluctant to get in the middle of a family battle between England and her colonies only to have the family make up and leave the French out,” says Joyce Appleby, professor emerita of history at UCLA. “Yet that’s exactly what happened.”

France had hoped that Britain would be crippled and that securing exclusive trade relations with the Colonies would help pay for the war. But the new nation double-crossed its ally, signing a separate peace treaty and resuming trade with London shortly after hostilities ended. “Without a doubt, they had accomplished something just short of miraculous by winning a war against a superior adversary, securing the support of a historic enemy, and then running roughshod over the interests of both in the treaty that ended the war,” writes historian Ted Widmer in his forthcoming book, The Ark of Liberties. “But it was a curiously nonidealistic way to advance America’s famous idealism.” Moreover, France paid for the expensive naval campaign through loans rather than through increased taxation, causing a serious economic crisis when the bills came due. It was this crisis, and the monarchy’s clumsy attempts to deal with it, that helped trigger the French Revolution.

We too will use Favreau for our own ends, and then like the wily Vikemericans we are, dump him on the curb once we’ve used up his worth to us.

As far as I’m concerned, A.J. Hawk killed Heath Ledger; the Millennium Master lent Chilly his phone; Favre may or may not be delivered into the Metrodome in a Viking ship during a modern day Yorktown; we may or may not win the Super Bowl by 17 points^; and then we will find a way to ink a deal with someone other than Favre and leave him a part of the technical record, but minimized by the textbook writers, left to fend for himself in an eventual centuries long slide into military ridicule.

EITHER WAY. WE’RE TALKIN BOUT FREEDOM!!!

* - DISCLAIMER: Pajamas may not have been purple and gold. May also not have been pajamas.

^ - May be 28 points depending on Sidney Rice’s boredom with the Patriots’ secondary

The words of Paula Coles mesmorising melody are ringing through my head as July turns to August, turns to September. The 48th September that the Minnesota Vikings will take the field opening weekend as the non-defending super bowl champions.

So open up your morning light
And Say a little prayer tonight
You know that if we are to stay alive
To see the peace in every eye

You may say “oh man what a gay, this guy obviously tucks his penis between his legs every night like Buffalo Bill and cries himself to sleep hoping that when he wakes up his dad will finally accept him for who he is.” Just because I’m using Paula Cole’s to talk about my feelings, but at the dawning of the Brett Favre era emotions are all I have and if you don’t like it then I hope you get a urinary tract infection this weekend.

I know we can not control what chilly and the Triangle of Authority plan on doing with the anti-Christ known as Brett Favre…I shudder to think of number 4 putting on the sacred purple and gold. One thing I can say for certain is this web site was dedicated to chronicling our rise to power. Brett Favre or not “I don’t want to wait for our lives to be over…will it be yes or will it be sorry.” We are here to champion the cause, to stoke the flames, and to dedicate this fall to something bigger than Brett Favre, bigger than any of us really…a championship caliber football team. If Brett Favre wants to crash the party and spread HPV through the locker room, go ahead…but just like getting a blow job from a toothless hooker on sunset…I’ll accept it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.