Super Bowl Homeboy

First, the Twins did not just “drop one” in bed, they literally made a bed out of poop. The Timberwolves still exist, though that link or this idiotic headline are the only ways you’d ever find out. The Wild unleashed the most blatantly f*%&ing stupid thing since, well, ok, since either last night or every day of my life. And on top of that, my alma mater suffered two of its most embarassing football losses in modern program history in three weeks, while narrowly losing in the third. (I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.) Now, you may say…“But Super Bowl Homeboy, PASADENA BREW has got the perfect balance of delicious hops and barley to ferment the Gophers to the ROSE BOWL this year.” Touche. Pasadena Brew is a sexy man. But I’m only concerned with pro Minnesota sports for the moment. So, I was startled to see in the face of Minnesota professional sporting negatrometers everywhere, this shell of a column in the Star Tribune today.

Umm…HELLO?? There’s something I particularly dislike about columnists in general. Having written my fair share of them, columns almost always — unless they are driven by a single story meant to be open to interpretation or stand alone — attempt to draw parallel stretches that fit a cute single idea engineered a few hours before deadline. You can’t get away with this in a serious piece. But generally a column gives you the space. And if ANYBODY knows stupid arguments crafted to stretch a bad idea to 750 words, it’s the Star Tribune sports page. (Though to be fair, I shouldn’t pick on the Strib too much. This is a problem of all sports pages.)

Some of this problem is based off the unrealistic expectation that people have remarkably unique, eminently readable ideas 2-3 times per week that fit into this kind of a format. (Especially true of the sports world, which when you boil it down is pretty meaningless and repetitive.) But much of the issue has to do with terribly stupid ideas. This Childress-as-Belichick one reminded me specifically of another oft-repeated claim. Take the last two grafs of this column:

In this respect, Bush is much like Truman, who developed the sinews of war for a new era (the Department of Defense, the CIA, the NSA), expanded the powers of the presidency, established a new doctrine for active intervention abroad, and ultimately engaged in a war (Korea) — also absent an attack on the U.S. — that proved highly unpopular.

So unpopular that Truman left office disparaged and highly out of favor. History has revised that verdict. I have little doubt that Bush will be the subject of a similar reconsideration.

This is a remarkably stupid convenient way to view unpopular people or ideas you favor that are unpopular not because they’re forward-thinking but because they have already failed. It is true that history takes time to judge. But people who use that line as an excuse for complete and utter failures in the present tense are simply putting themselves in a position where they always win. Take this case of Bush, who political preferences aside, is simply a disaster of McHale-esque proportions. (I refuse to acknowledge any systemic argument to the contrary when the man’s own party is abandoning him to the point of criticizing him during national debates.) Bush, perhaps wisely, has been going around the last couple of years telling people hes like Truman, because Truman was unpopular and now he’s not.

While it is still in the realm of mathematical possibility that Bush is reevaluated as a success decades down the road, this is like Christian Slater trying to tell me that his shit-split-personality excuse for virtual feces a show is automatically going to be judged a raving success by David McCullough’s grandson just because Sports Night once got canceled. I’m calling this ‘previsionist’ history. And it’s f*$#ing insane mentally handicapped.

Oh, so, Christian? You’re telling me that despite the fact that network television each year puts out dozens of stupid, stupid, awful shows that make me want to type so many skglhwlkjerghgjslgj swear words that I am punching the keys through the bottom of my computer, that because once or twice a decade history judges one of the failures to be above average at like a rate of 1%, that it gives your show’s failure an excuse? Is that how you want to look at it Christian? Because if so, I guess you belong in this cookie-cutter, ice cream-shoveled, every child gets a f*%&ing unisex minotaur trophy because we wouldn’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings, don’t offend someone’s performance because you’ll hurt their It’s All About You attitude and make them change professions for the 18th time rather than actually improve themselves, excuse for a society.

You failed, Christianbushchildress. I refuse to hear otherwise from you OR your sportswriting surrogates. In all honesty though, the Bush and Childress comparison doesn’t hold up. I was simply using it to illustrate a point, which is that I’m pissed off. If I tried to tell you these two fit the same exact principle my name would be Mark Craig. They’re not. It’s important to note that while Krauthammer is spouting this previsionism because as a conservative beacon he has a vested interest and an admirably unshakeable belief that his viewpoint will historically prevail as the correct one, Mark Craig is simply tired of Minnesota and trying to loosely stitch together a stupid argument that makes no sense.

Let’s examine for a moment something we here at SBHB like to call a “fact.”

FACT: The Mediocrikings are 11-11 since the beginning of last season.

FACT: I’m giving Chilly the benefit of the doubt because the first season of a rookie NFL coach should be tossed out in almost all cases.

FACT: In those 11 wins, only three of them came without defensive points or a kick return touchdown. (Meaning, unless we are playing the Bears, the odds of us winning a football game without the defense scoring are pretty freaking low.)

FACT (as far as I know): Bill Belichick did not have a free-spending owner, a Thunderdome, Ragnar, a kick-ass, tough-guy, pump-it-up defense that was the team’s best hope of reaching the end zone on any given play.

FACT: Bill Belichick is not Mormon.

These are not disputable points. Trying to compare Billyball on a team that was miserable and about to go defunct against a team with nearly any resource at its disposal that chose not to go after a starting quarterback better than Tarvaris Jackson is in no way comparable. Finding the fact that Belichick was booed and fired is lazy and moronic. I could put the SBHB intern, which may or may not be a near-blind dog with no professional insight on football coaching, to work in order to find out how many coaches were fired in between Belichick and yesterday (a number which would have been one higher without the NFL-ordered phantom pass interference call), but that would be pointless.

The point is that somehow Sunday’s win was more painful to watch than any of the Vikings’ losses this year. The point is that despite the fact that the Vikes are 3-3 thanks to lining up in the pass interference formation during the 2-minute drill, Minnesota fans can honestly say they’ve deserved to win exactly one game this year — against the Carolina Panthers. The point is that this offense has regressed almost every week since Gus took over. (And I don’t want to hear about the Saints game being anything other than the defense plaing ten times the game the rest of the team did.)

The question remains whether I will by the end of this season look forward more to going to work on Monday morning than I do waking up on Sunday to trek down the hill to the sports bar in order to watch the worst offensive game since ‘me in a party full of good looking women.’ Because that is the way this is shaping up.

As I pointed out, last year the Vikings won two of their only three victories without defensive/return points against the Chicago Football Bears. If they somehow find a way to do that again, they enter a bye week with time to heal up for a one-or-two-win Houston Texans team inside the Thunderdome. That would seem to spell a 5-3 record at the midway point of the season and the driver’s seat of a terrible conference. But I can’t tell you whether 5-3 with this offense would make me want to wake up in the morning and smile or puke.

Ahh,  Ahhh,  It was just a little too early to be going for two.  Ahh, you know if we didn’t get it, there were no guarantees that we would have the opportunity to kick the game winner.

I thought this might come up, so I brought up my two-point chart.  So, how many of you know the success rate of two-point conversions in the NFL this year?  Yeah, I didn’t think any of you would know it.  Well, it’s about 44.8%.  I think I’ll take the points.

As most Vikings fans know, Brad Childress is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. According to the Mormon Times, Childress and Darrell Bevell are joined by Naufahu Tahi and Garrett Mills as the four members of the Vikings staff/player personnel to rock the secret underwear.

I have always had an unusual fascination, and yes, affinity for the Mormon faith. During my formative years in the Big Apple, one of my closest friends was a follower of the teachings and preaching of Joseph Smith. Though he and his parent’s attempts at persuading me to join the flock proved futile, certain aspects of Mormon culture were truly admirable and left an indelible mark on me. The integrity of the unity of family. Their shared sense of faith. Their happiness in the vast wasteland that we once called home.

When I learned this week that Chilly had decided to go with Gus Frerotte as the starting quarterback this Sunday, I can’t say I wasn’t incredulous. Chilly is no Jack Mormon. Chilly’s faith is unyielding and uncompromising. Notice how Andy Reid, a fellow Mormon, has stuck by his man, Donovan McNabb, though Philadelphia fans have called for his head more than Santa Claus’. What? So maybe Mr. Jackson isn’t no McNabb, but he sure has more moves than head-banger Gus Frerotte.

I now wonder what Chilly might have done after members of the Mormon Faith were effectively banished from Nauvoo, Illinois in 1846. Would he have left the faith and not joined Brigham Young on his odyssey to the Great Salt Lake? Perhaps even more frighteningly, would he have strayed and become an atheist? Members of the Minnesota press, who religiously (no pun intended) peruse this blog, please inquire as to the whereabouts of Chilly’s lost faith.

-JM

Super Bowl Homeboy has always been for the respect of authority. Minneapolis, as we all know, is a tough guy town with tough guy football. We are about law and order and respecting the wisdom of our leaders. We still encourage the questioning of their tactics and strategies, but to fundamentally undermine their position by doubting their loyalty to the cause, we do harm to the destination we all wish to see reached.

In 2007, the liberal group MoveOn.org published a controversial and in many ways irresponsible advertisement in our nation’s newspapers aimed at questioning the tactics and strategy of the troop surge in Iraq by quietly suggesting a treasonous ambition lurking within a true American patriot — General David Petraeus. (The group quipped: General Petraeus or General Betray-Us?)

Setting aside thoughts on the underlying rationality for war or the question of whether how much of the past year’s successes depended on Iraqi political conditions as much as the surge itself, time has shown General Petraeus to be a measured and wise public servant, perhaps not of the ideal political persuasion for MoveOn’s members, but nonetheless a dedicated and invaluable patriot of our nation.

Now an SBHB examination has revealed similar activities afoot by one “Brian” of the weblog, Fire Brad Childress. Nevermind that Brian was too scared of Chilly’s bonecrushing forearms too shy to post his own last name to the public while undermining the livelihood of an already public figure. What really makes the story interesting is that after collecting 1,256 signatures following his establishment of an online petition to fire the Minnesota Vikings coach, Brian shut down the blog, firebradchildress.blogspot.com, sometime between now and its February 2007 establishment.

Brian gave Chilly just one season to implement his NFL scheme on the Vikings — a season which we all know ended in a 6-10 record. Yet Brian, perhaps not understanding the difficulties in an NFL General’s duties during a time of fundamental strategy shift, called for Chilly’s head on a stake.

Questions remain: What changed Brian’s mind? Where has he disappeared to? Would a 2-game improvement each year, culminating in a 10-6 playoff appearance this year, and say a 12-4 division title the next year be satisfaction enough for Kevin? Would nothing short of a Super Bowl, Homeboy?

We raise these questions to foster a discussion. When is it correct to shift the burden of criticism from tactics to the inherent presence of leadership itself? I would argue not after year one of an NFL head coaching career. Others may disagree.

Petraeus seems to have silenced many of his critics, or at the least forced them to change their tune.

So too shall Chilly?

What are you waiting for?

CLICK HERE TO PUMP IT UP ! ! !! !

Superbowlhomeboy.com has also learned that Chilly will do all press conferences through his headset. What a political maverick that Chilly is.

As the Patriots cruised through the NFL last year on their way to a 16-0 regular season and Super Bowl appearance, the players were constantly asked how they were able to stay focused knowing they were so much better than their competition. Without even a second’s pause each and every player would respond in the same fashion - “Coach Belicheck dishes out a heaping helping of Humble Pie each and every week.” As I sat and watched the first few series of the opening Vikings preseason game Friday night I got to thinking, “What do you think Chilly will do to keep his players grounded on their path to perfection”. How will he keep Tarvaris Jackson focused on the Buccaneers in that Week 11 battle when Jackson has already broken Tom Brady’s record for passing touchdowns in a season? How will he force Ray Edwards to practice at full speed when he notches his record 23^rd sack of the season against the Lions in the week 14 showdown which pushes the Vikings to 13-0? What is the inspiration that will keep Darren Sharper’s eye on that 15^th win of the season after he has stretched his millennium lead in interceptions to such an enormous gap that it is mathematically impossible for any one else to ever catch him?

Have no fear Vikings fans…Chilly has already thought of this and he is planning on baking a whole lot of Chilly Pies throughout the season. Let me clue you into a few of the special ingredients Chilly is incorporating into his top secret recipe to tingle the culinary palettes of his soon to be Super Bowl (Homeboy) Champs.

1. Pie Crust – Chilly knows that without a strong base, nothing can succeed. Much like the team he has molded with its strong offensive and defensive lines, Chilly puts an emphasis on making a superior pie crust. To make his as strong as possible, Chilly sprinkles the facial hair he saved after ditching his goatee along with his season long collection of mustache clippings into the pie crust batter. This gives it just the right amount of grit and toughness that he is looking to instill into his players.
2. Mincemeat – Chilly, always the one to look for double meaning in things to inspire his players, goes with the obvious choice for the main filling of the pie. Unquestionably the toughest of all pie filling ingredients (even if it did come from those mangled teeth pansies across the pond), Chilly ends every pre-game speech with “Lets turn those (insert opponent’s name) into Mincemeat!!!!!!!!”.
3. Honey – Chilly’s Mormon faith comes through in his baking as well. Mormonism has its roots firmly planted in the Beehive state of Utah. What better way to keep someone focused than by reminding them of the plights of Brigham Young and the stout Mormons of yesteryear who chose not to give into public opinion that their religion was fucking crazy and persevered on to the great accomplishment of luring ex-Viking quarterback Jim McMahon to play for their college. In much the same fashion the Vikings will quiet the naysayers, march on to Tampa Bay, Tampa Bay and bring home the Lombardi Trophy.
4. Whipped Cream – As we have gotten to know Chilly better and better over the last few years we can see that there is more to him than just the hard nosed, bad-ass exterior. This offseason we saw him more open with the media, even delivering some dynamic one liners, fishing in the Caribbean and riding with the Blue Angels. Chilly’s appetite is much the same way. Its common knowledge around Vikings circles that Chilly begins every morning with 16 pieces of bacon and a bowl of nails – but let me tell you that left bicuspid of his is keen on the sweets. That’s why he includes a little whipped cream to top off the pie. This is also homage to his mentor Andy Reid, who clearly loves the sweets (Good God he must way 400 pounds these days).

Mix it all together and what do you get…19-0 SUPER BOWL.

Curious as to what Real-Time Rybak and the Minneapolis Mayor’s Office was cooking up for early February, I recently took the initiative of e-mailing his office the following question on Monday:

For the planning department, I am curious if you have already designed the route for the February 2008 Super Bowl parade. Correct planning is imperative. We’ve been waiting for decades. One piece of advice might be to use the Twins November parade route as practice. Thanks for your hard work.

Expecting to hear back by the end of the hour, though admittedly I knew that all secrets could not yet be divulged, one could imagine my reaction to the scandalous revelation I received this morning from an office staffer:

Dear Resident,

We appreciate your email.

We have forwarded your concerns to the Public Works Transportation Department.  

If there is anything else we can help you with please contact us.  Thank you for
emailing the City of Minneapolis.

Keisa

Suffice it to say I will be contacting that department with some form of the mockup listed above (for illustrative example only). Concurrently, the SBHB investigative team will be hard at work through Freedom of Information Act requests and potential whistleblower accounts as we work to unearth this potentially explosive scandal.

Here’s hoping this was just a miscommunication, as boggling this issue in a FEMA-like capacity would be certain to haunt the legacy of the Rybak administration.

*(CORRECTION: Image posted above indicated presence of Stairwell Smith in Vikings Super Bowl Party. Though Stairwell will undoubtedly look to join the parade, he will not do so as an official Minnesota Viking.)

Well we are here on the dawn of another Vikings season. Once again the players are all cruising down South 169, passing the Jolly Green Giant sign in Le Seuer and being greeted into Mankato by the giant Happy Chef. Those are the same landmarks that Koren Robinson saw fly by his window in a drunken blur at about 130 mph and Fred Smoot saw while planning the Lake Minnetonka boat trip that would earn our franchise a national media shit storm. Well those landmarks haven’t changed, but pretty much everything about the Vikings team has over the past couple years.

One other thing that hasn’t changed is my undying pre-season optimism for the squad. This is my favorite time of every NFL season. Its given rise to dreams of Troy Williamson’s off-season eye conditioning drills giving way to 1500 yard seasons, new rookie defensive ends like Erasmus James and Kenechi Udeze wreaking havoc on opposing quarterbacks and the free agent signing of savvy veteran corners like Dale Carter, Chris Dishman and Jimmy Hitchock finally giving us a secondary capable of winning in the playoffs. Well all of those hopes and dreams, along with plenty others, came to a screeching halt once the games actually began to mean something. Continue Reading »

In the words of the Common man Dan Cole “LETS PUMP IT UP, WE’RE COOOMIIINNN” that’s right the sound you hear is the bell tolling for the offseason…Training camp starts…RIGHT NOW.  I know all you third grade reading level Vikings fans, and the backwoods moonshine guzzling Packer fans have been discussing Brett Favre’s impact for weeks now “ooh brett favre could make the vikes a super bowl contender, ooh Brett Favre is gonna turn this thing around” and I say to all of you that are part of the 7 out of 10… the wind blowing exit doors of the metrodome are right over there because WE DON’T NEED YOU.

There are several issues facing the team this year, not the least of which is the distraction that Brett Favre has created on the eve of our 19 game winning streak.

1.)Will Bernard Berrian and sid the Kid turn out to be the new Millennium Stalworth and Swann?

2.) Has training with sprint cars improved Adrian Peterson’s speed?

3.) Has Darren Sharper lost the hunger to continue his quest to be the Millennium leader in interceptions?

4.) Will the vikings need to lose a game at some point so they don’t repeat the mistakes of the New England Patriots?

5.) Will the temptation of patron shots at Belanote derail the Jared Allen trade and give Peter King the ultimate “I told you so” boner he’s been waiting to stack Brad Childress’ throat with?

6.) Who is salivating over T-Jax bone crusher this season, and will she buy him something flashier than a spring break necklace from Daytona Beach ‘03?

7.) How will the release of Dwight Smith impact the safety of women blowing coke in back stairwells of Minneapolis night clubs?

8.) How will Zigmund Wilf not having to drive around Minneapolis after home losses impact the United States energy Crisis?

9.) How many pending paternity cases are there in the state of Minnesota after Brad Childress grew a goatee?  Will these cases be a distraction for the head coach?

10.) Do the Vikings play for 16-0 against the Giants like the Patriots of 2007, or focus on the playoffs?  I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.

To all who endured the love boat, the Mike Tice Era, the 2005 draft class, and the kick ass offense…our time has come.  Rise from your couches, spike the nearest infant on its soft spot, and in honor of our all mighty leader even fake moon the little bastard like your at Lambeau Field….THIS IS OUR TIME!  THIS… is our country.