Aug 11 2008
Beijing Olympics: You better check yo self before you wreck yo self.
Similar to the “The Common Man” Dan Cole I have a very esoteric approach when it comes to generating my opinions. I typically will read a quick snippet that many would consider “preliminary information” but I take as a healthy dose of data, formulate some made up stuff to bridge the gap in my head and jump straight to a conclusion. Fuck reading, its 2008 and I’ve got a you tube video of two red necks pile driving each other into a stack of tables in their back yard that I want to watch. I say this as a disclaimer because my newest opinion is this…the good times many are feeling over these Beijing Olympics are sure to come to a screeching halt thanks to all of our favorite scape goats… Terrorists. I don’t know what kind of terrorist; they have so many chapters these days it’s like the sociopath’s equivalent to joining a sorority so you can fit in your freshman year of college (I know what your thinking…I’m being redundant, most sorority girls I knew in college were sociopaths as well). However, I have narrowed it down to three types thanks to my extensive research on the topic.
1.) Rouge Tibetan Freedom Hippies: These are the people that never let the music die after the final Tibetan Freedom Concert in 2001. Though commonly believed to be a peaceful group, a large splinter cell fell off the grid around 2003 and were last seen setting up machine gun turrets in western Montana. These idiots are so jaded that their stupid hippy fest didn’t stop China’s oppression of the poor helpless monks they are out for blood. Blame it on a few shitty pot brownies, or a bad acid trip circa the Y2K scare, but these mother fuckers will stop at nothing to save those head shaving, meditation loving, Budah worshipers…I guess the Dali Lama didn’t get the message that sitting inside of a tank will get you a lot further than sitting in front of one…maybe he should consider bringing Vladimir Putin into his inner circle.
2.) Slave Laborers: I read a quote from a really famous anonymous author once that said “Can’t nobody take my pride, can’t nobody hold me down. Oh no I gotta keep on movin.” I heard that many of the Chinese slave laborers have taken these words to heart and are ready for an uprising. What better place to rise against your oppressive government than when the 1080P High Def lenses of NBC are pointed straight at Tiananmen Square? I would say these guys have the biggest gripe of all groups, they could work for a month an still not have enough money to pay for a decent hand job in the seediest parts of Beijing. If they take to the streets I’m cheering for one of these guys to impale Bob Costas…if only we could throw Nick Faldo in front of them.
3.) Al Qaeda: I haven’t looked at a map of this region lately but I’m pretty sure these guys are close enough to China that they could fart in their cave and someone could smell it over Chinese air space. Obviously people are still debating whether or not Al Qaeda is real, or something that the US Government is using to cover up a massive world domination plot started by the Bush Administration. However, I can’t make a list of terrorist groups without including the Jihadiest mother fuckers on the planet.
I know this might scare children, and even might leave some adults with a clenched sphincter. However, you can take solace in one fact…if you are reading this right now you are likely out of harms way, because the Chinese Government Firewall would surely stop information like this from reaching anyone within 1000 miles of Beijing.