Super Bowl Homeboy

…A bonesaw down to my knee

Superbowlhomeboy.com has also learned that Chilly will do all press conferences through his headset. What a political maverick that Chilly is.

A Super Bowl winning kick for three….

Vikes owner and Triangle of Authority peak Zygmunt Wilf is many things — fabulously wealthy, generous, a hell of an amateur chef. But mostly he is a master of clairvoyance. Zyg was fully aware of the impending obstacles the Vikings would face in an America wherein a politically connected NFL commissioner hooked up with a newly inaugurated, young sports-loving President who roots for the Bears.

So what did Wilf do to keep the burgeoning Barack machine from taking over America? He ponied up the big bucks for Hillary. According to data compiled by the Center for Responsive Politics, Zygmunt contributed the maximum $2,300 in individual contributions as allowed under current campaign finance regulation. But to really show his support, Zygmunt quietly led a movement amongst the members of his famously tight family business as well.

Over $10,000 from the Wilf family alone, discounting the likely bigger bucks quietly bundled by Wilf or channeled through political action committees was intended to balance out the Vikings’ interests in a league historically biased against the dominance of purple pride. (CITATION: Encyclopedias and stuff).

And why not return to the good times of the Clinton era? Consider the following stats:

Vikes under Clinton

• 81-47, three division titles, seven playoff appearances, two NFC title game appearances

Vikes Under Bush

• 51-61, zero division titles, one playoff appearance, one disarmingly sexy mustache
  

Alas, the Vikes will have to overcome the Bush curse and win NOW if they are to strike before the iron is Barack. The alternative, of course, is to hope that McCain is elected and doesn’t cheat his way to a Super Bowl like Bears fans would. (Mostly because the Cardinals couldn’t manage to win a Super Bowl if McCain scheduled it as a scrimmage.)

And with Hillary Clinton’s convention speech failing to galvanize a surprise steal of the nomination on a previously unforeseen technicality, (and the inevitable cabinet appointment that would have been awarded to Wilf along with it), the stakes grow ever higher for fall 2008 - the year of the Viking - while there is still time.

YES WE CAN.

Carlos Silva has been criminally convicted of a lot of things, but sadly, he has not yet served time for crimes against baseball — of which he is a serial offender. Have no fear, however, because ooooh, oooh child, we’ll get it together and we’ll get that all done!! The era of Carlos Silva’s impersonation of mediocrity is about to come to a close as Frank Liriano and the boys in blue put the jumbo sized cuffs on Silvicious at the Thunder Dome tonight!

Everyone was familiar with Silva’s Livan Hernandez-like record in Minnesota despite him being the jokiest of jokesters. So it has been somewhat of a treat to watch the gullible peoples of Seattle award Boeing-esque numbers to this 4-13 jumbo jet, sliding into the Twin Cities tonight with a svelte 5.93 ERA. Silva has recently blamed his teammates for his woes on the mound. SBHB has received information that following this tirade, Silva ate three of his teammates. Considering no one knows half the players on the Mariners, this has gone largely undetected. It seems to have stymied the Twins hopes of landing Jerrod Washburn or Raul Ibanez off the waiver wire, however, as Bud Selig demands the Mariners must field a non-eaten roster for the remainder of the season.

After tonight, Silva will drop to 59-60 for his career, beginning what will inevitably be an eternity spent in the doldrums of below .500 history. For today, Carlos, you are still the best of the lousiest, and the lousiest of the best. Lunch is on me. Just remember there’s a global food crisis going on before you do anything rash.

photo credit: Mr. T in DC

Hollar! The Purple Train is rolling into the other Purple Train this weekend.

What is your favorite part about Baltimore?

Mine? It is the 12th most dangerous city in America.

When Fred Smoot’s ghost arrive this weekend, it will become the FIRST!

Just this week, SBHB made the bold prediction that the Twins’ fate could be hinged on the Yankees series that just took place. We all know how that ended. In what is certainly about to become a “Hendrix opening for The Stones”-type scenario at the Metrodome over the next few months as the Twins PUMP IT UP for T-Jax, Ron Gardenhire let the leash off his caged agent of destruction…..

Maybe a more apt metaphor would be Jimmy Page, Diddy and Godzilla Young rocking the shit out of Minneapolis for the next three months…

Why you did it
I won’t permit it
And won’t acquit it
I want to fight you
I’ll fucking bite you
Can’t stand nobody like you
You can’t run
You can’t hide
No surprise
Close your eyes

Come with me, yeah
Come with me
Come with me, AHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOWWW

With the shocking new development out of Green Bay that Jet Favre won’t be having his number 4 retired at the opening Monday Night game (I guess he’s busy washing his truck), ESPN has decided to pull the plug on sending all 3000 of their employees to Lambeau for opening night.  “Oh Dear! With out a lame pregame ceremony how will we find the story lines to entice Joe Six Pack and his kids to watch our big Monday night telecast?????”  Well ESPN you should get used to setting your sites on Eden Prairie, MN where Jared Allen and Pat Williams will be writing the headlines for you all season.

“Playing Green Bay on Monday night to start the season – that’s everything you want,” [Jared] Allen said. “Hopefully, I can put my helmet square in the back of his spine. If I can do that and knock the ball loose, it’ll be a good day.”

“They had a nice year last year, but they don’t understand that Brett made those guys better than they were,” [Pat] Williams said. “He has the game all figured out, and you’ve got to factor all that into the equation … People think it’s the system, but it ain’t no damn system. Brett Favre just knows where his guys are going to be at all times, and I don’t think Aaron Rodgers has got that yet.”

I’m in the camp that anyone with a name that can be used for both a girl or a boy probably sucks at football…last time I checked I know a ton of chicks named Erin (don’t spell check me nerd).

As the Patriots cruised through the NFL last year on their way to a 16-0 regular season and Super Bowl appearance, the players were constantly asked how they were able to stay focused knowing they were so much better than their competition. Without even a second’s pause each and every player would respond in the same fashion - “Coach Belicheck dishes out a heaping helping of Humble Pie each and every week.” As I sat and watched the first few series of the opening Vikings preseason game Friday night I got to thinking, “What do you think Chilly will do to keep his players grounded on their path to perfection”. How will he keep Tarvaris Jackson focused on the Buccaneers in that Week 11 battle when Jackson has already broken Tom Brady’s record for passing touchdowns in a season? How will he force Ray Edwards to practice at full speed when he notches his record 23^rd sack of the season against the Lions in the week 14 showdown which pushes the Vikings to 13-0? What is the inspiration that will keep Darren Sharper’s eye on that 15^th win of the season after he has stretched his millennium lead in interceptions to such an enormous gap that it is mathematically impossible for any one else to ever catch him?

Have no fear Vikings fans…Chilly has already thought of this and he is planning on baking a whole lot of Chilly Pies throughout the season. Let me clue you into a few of the special ingredients Chilly is incorporating into his top secret recipe to tingle the culinary palettes of his soon to be Super Bowl (Homeboy) Champs.

1. Pie Crust – Chilly knows that without a strong base, nothing can succeed. Much like the team he has molded with its strong offensive and defensive lines, Chilly puts an emphasis on making a superior pie crust. To make his as strong as possible, Chilly sprinkles the facial hair he saved after ditching his goatee along with his season long collection of mustache clippings into the pie crust batter. This gives it just the right amount of grit and toughness that he is looking to instill into his players.
2. Mincemeat – Chilly, always the one to look for double meaning in things to inspire his players, goes with the obvious choice for the main filling of the pie. Unquestionably the toughest of all pie filling ingredients (even if it did come from those mangled teeth pansies across the pond), Chilly ends every pre-game speech with “Lets turn those (insert opponent’s name) into Mincemeat!!!!!!!!”.
3. Honey – Chilly’s Mormon faith comes through in his baking as well. Mormonism has its roots firmly planted in the Beehive state of Utah. What better way to keep someone focused than by reminding them of the plights of Brigham Young and the stout Mormons of yesteryear who chose not to give into public opinion that their religion was fucking crazy and persevered on to the great accomplishment of luring ex-Viking quarterback Jim McMahon to play for their college. In much the same fashion the Vikings will quiet the naysayers, march on to Tampa Bay, Tampa Bay and bring home the Lombardi Trophy.
4. Whipped Cream – As we have gotten to know Chilly better and better over the last few years we can see that there is more to him than just the hard nosed, bad-ass exterior. This offseason we saw him more open with the media, even delivering some dynamic one liners, fishing in the Caribbean and riding with the Blue Angels. Chilly’s appetite is much the same way. Its common knowledge around Vikings circles that Chilly begins every morning with 16 pieces of bacon and a bowl of nails – but let me tell you that left bicuspid of his is keen on the sweets. That’s why he includes a little whipped cream to top off the pie. This is also homage to his mentor Andy Reid, who clearly loves the sweets (Good God he must way 400 pounds these days).

Mix it all together and what do you get…19-0 SUPER BOWL.

Here’s a trivia question for you. How many World Series champions have been defeated by Sidney Ponson three times in one season by two separate teams and then gone on to punch Dane Cook in the testiculars in Rocktober?

The answer is none. If Sidney Ponson records a “W” tonight inside the Metrodome, you can kiss the Twins postseason hopes goodbye. Trust me. If this happens, just stop paying attention. Root for the Vikings. Check the Twins box in the morning. Buy a t-shirt if the Sox implode and they then get swept in the ALDS. But don’t invest in them anymore. Just buy a ticket and board the REAL party pontoon to Lake Lombardi.

I’m saying it because it’s true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with the Vikes. You’re part of this team, the thing that keeps it going. If that pontoon leaves the dock and you’re not with it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.